In Conversation With Philip Chave
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Breaking Free from Pornography & Sex Addiction

Save your Marriage, Save your Family, Save your Job and your Life

"On the subject of pornography and how I view women, I probably view her as an object". This is the verdict of a self confessed internet porn addict who has just recently embarked on a, hopefully, meaningful relationship. What do you think of his chances?

He went on to explain how this young lady was not perfect and when you've got unlimited choice in the real world, you think you can keep looking until you find the perfect one. But you can't really, because however perfect the person you choose is, you will eventually find something wrong with her. However unintentionally, he is still seeing her as a porn queen, and the relationship is doomed before it ever gets going.

The other problem is, if the girl I choose is perfect, then every other bloke will want her. And that can become complicated, afterall, how can I trust her? This is thinking as the self now, not as the other person.

One of the things I find, when I'm talking to guys who have relationship issues because of pornograpy, one of the things they stop doing is complimenting their wives. They might not actively go out to criticize their wives, because that would actually create suspicion. But when you fail to compliment your partner, they stop having a reason to strive to please you.

A meaningful relationship leads to lots of things; you do things together, you eat together, go out together, you talk, make love, enjoy each others company, you love and feel loved, you care about each other, and so sex is just one of the things that makes a relationship work. It is not the most important thing. In pornography, you have none of the above, except you get to watch other people having sex, while you imagine its you, and the sex act becomes disproportionate in that exchange. When all you do is look for the climax, the brain becomes tuned into this one way of achieving pleasure and reward, rather than all of the other ways of achieving the same thing, so it soon loses the ability to find pleasure in the 'lesser' ways of receiving pleasure.

Some people break the cycle of pornography by creating powerful stimulation in other areas of their lives, such as going to the gym and working out. The stimulation of the brain by pornography is less and so the brain has to find a new source of pleasure. And, that's why your libido goes down, because when you seperate yourself from porn, your brain looks for other areas of pleasure to satisfy it's needs. The brain gets a powerful 'hit' and triggers the release of seratonin, dopamine, endorphins and other chemicals, in its relentless pursuit of pleasure and reward. The gym is one of those areas; when you're on a treadmill, running your heart out, you get a rush of all those chemicals into the body aswell. The brain says, 'whayhay, I like this!', this is another way of getting pleasure and satisfying a need.

The point I'm trying to make here is that previously most/all of the chemical hits that the body got came from pornography; images and videos of hardcore sex. The brain got used to getting it's hits from this source because, actually, it was easy, and the body is lazy. Pornography creates a powerful chemical release in the body, followed by orgasm. We are hard wired to take the strongest easiest route to any form of pleasure, which then becomes habit and very necessary for our survival. So its not so much to do with your penis or vagina, it has more to do with your body chemistry. When you start doing other pleasurable things, the body is getting a degree of these chemicals from other areas. You can start to stir the body chemistry by running on a treadmill, gym, rowing, climbing, power walking, football, aerobics, pilates, just as a few examples.

That's why your libido goes down. It's not the single focus anymore.

What's changed? There are millions and millions of people, men and women, using internet pornography to find sexual pleasure every day. Getting hooked on all kinds of sexual fantasy. Well the answer is partly because it's easy, partly because it's free, partly because it's anonymous, partly because it's legal (except for certain exceptions), partly because it's seen as freedom in a restrictive society, and mostly because it makes you feel fantastic, if only for a few seconds. Before internet, there were movies, before movies there were magazines, before mags there were brothels; sex has always been a powerful motivator.

But before it became as intense as it is now, people must have got their pleasure and reward from other things; family, relationships, sex, endeavour, work, and the brain was satisfied with that, because these small little areas of pleasure meant so much more. Remember we said the brain will get it's hit from somewhere and it doesn't care how? Well this was how it did it before. On the battlefield, hunting in the forest, making families, making communities, living to survive and to protect what you had, gave the body every hit it needed to be happy and content. Survival was the order of the day. Training for battle or protection involved hours and hours of strenuous training and honing of skills, lots of preparation and hardship (the equivalent of you going to the gym, perhaps). We don't have that anymore; well not so much. We have different, maybe even more, powerful stresses today, and so people naturally look for a more, powerful outlet.

I always ask every guy that comes for porn addiction treatment, what is the one thing that gives you more pleasure than anything else on the planet, and they will all say, doing right by my missus. Nothing gives a man more pleasure than seeing the look on his wife's, girlfriends face when he's done good. We are hard wired to have this natural stimulation in our lives. That's why, in an honest and loving relationship, you don't get bored with each other. When you are giving to each other 100%, with no expectation of receiving, that relationship will grow and grow. Pornography eats into that relationship like a cancer. But, if it's strong enough to begin with, there is always room for forgiveness, on both sides. That's were I find my role is best served, in that recovery process, and that's where it's most needed, to help the non-addicted spouse/partner support the addicted partner into pornography recovery.

Overcoming Internet Pornography Addiction

Your chance to lose this addiction forever!
Over 2.5 hours of insight, practical advice and tools to use in the privacy of your own home.
This double CD, easy listening set, is a question and answer interview session with Philip Chave, director of research and education at The Haven Healing Centre in Cheddar, Somerset.
Here Phil gives you a detailed account of the tools you will need, and the correct way to apply them, to allow you to step back from the scourge of porn addiction, and find the peace and strength that will give you your life back.

The CD will give you the answers to the most commonly asked questions, such as:
  • Why is pornography so powerful in its hold over people?
  • Is it okay to masturbate if I don't look at pornography?
  • Will my partner ever trust me again?
  • Why can't I just stop?
  • Is there a miracle cure for porn addiction? Treat and Overcome Your Pornography Addiction - Lightscribe Label
  • Can pornography ever be a fulfilling replacement for a relationship?
  • How do I cope with continual failure?
  • Why are more and more women experimenting with pornography?
  • Are there any physical changes if I watch pornography?
  • How does a spouse know when their partner is looking at porn?
  • But there is sex and temptation all around me, how am I supposed to cope with that?
  • What does porn do to a relationship?
  • Is it possible to have a healthy sex life after pornography addiction?
  • Does marriage, or a relationship, solve a porn addiction problem?
  • I can't forgive myself for being so weak. Is this because I'm a loser?
  • Is pornography a lifelong condition?
  • I've been threatened with divorce if I fail and I'm terrified. Is this normal?
  • Is pornography really that addictive?
In Conversation With Philip Chave: Understanding, Coping With & Eliminating Internet Pornography Addiction & Sex Addiction

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The Haven Healing Centre is located at: Draycott Rd, Cheddar, Somerset, BS27 3RU